This Changes Everything

This post was originally planned to be combined into my last entry, but that one ended up a bit lengthier than I had intended. Today’s entry picks up after Christmas 2015.

The week after my surgery, I was scheduled for a post-op appointment with the doctor back at the fertility clinic. Chad came with me, which at the time I thought was unnecessary. Nonetheless, I appreciated that he took the time off work to come to the appointment. He had been wonderful over the past week for taking care of my every need. He is an amazing sherpa, and I love him so much!

When we got to the clinic, Chad and I were taken to an exam room. The doctor’s fellow came in to check that my two laparoscopic incision sites were healing nicely. They were perfectly pink, and I was quickly cleared. He then told me that Dr. Z wanted to talk with us about the next steps in the process. Typically, this is done in a consult room and not an exam room. Chad and I waited for him to come in.

Outside the door, I heard one of the nurses talking to Dr Z. “Have you spoken with Sabrina yet? I think you need to go talk with her, she’s been through a lot.” I remember chuckling to myself about the hospital stay and my pain cave.

Dr. Z entered the room, along with his fellow. Both had weird looks on their faces.

Dr. Z said that my surgery went very well. They were able to resect 7.5 cm of septum from my uterus. He explained that the septum was so large that their hysteroscopic instruments hit it before they were even able to dilate my cervix. He said that he resected as much as he felt he could safely do. As the septum was removed, my uterus he watched on the laparoscope as my uterus literally “popped” open and into its correct shape.

He went on to tell us that all of my other internal organs (kidneys, liver, glands, etc.) looked healthy.

Then, Dr. Z began nervously thumbing through my chart. He said that he was looking for the laparoscopic images to show me. Chad produced a folder that he had been carrying with him, which contained the pre-op paperwork and instructions we were given after the surgery. From the back of the folder, he pulled some glossy pages that I hadn’t noticed before. They were pictures. He handed them to Dr. Z.

Dr. Z looked through them and found what he was looking for, and he turned the

picture so that I could see.

(I'll add a link to one of these pictures later.)

At first, I wasn't sure what I was looking at. It was obvioulsy my insides, but it appeared that there was clotted dirty bubble gum smeared all over everything. What I was told next shook my world.

Endometriosis. Stage 4. It had clogged my fallopian tubes, and possibly infiltrated my bladder and bowels. There was very little chance that Chad and I would be able to conceive a child naturally.

I tried to hold it together. Chad squeezed my hand tightly.

The doctor told me that our best option to start a family was via in vitro fertilization (IVF).

The doctors left. As the door clicked behind them, I broke.

I turned to Chad. He was crying too. He told me that the doctors had already told him and my mom after my surgery, but that I was in so much pain they couldn't talk to me at the time. They decided it would be best to let me have the week to heal up and then tell me during the follow up appointment. We cried together.

Chad then told me that he wasn't sure about doing IVF. My world crumbled again.

A few minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door. The nurse and medical assistant walked in to check on us. They were very kind and said the nicest things, although I don't remember what they were now. They hugged us, then asked us to move to a consult room that had finally become available.

Dr. Z joined Nurse Bobby, Chad, and me in the consult room. He explained some more medical stuff, but it went in one ear and out another.

At our clinic, they require that couples attend a lecture about IVF prior to beginning the process. There is only one lecture given each month, and Dr. Z and another doctor switch off giving it each time. The next lecture was in 4 days.

Since Dr. Z was giving the lecture, we decided to attend that following Monday evening.

We then went home, and I spent the next few days either crying or researching IVF on Dr. Google.

Pain Cave

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written anything. I’ve found it increasingly difficult to write about this journey the further down this path we go. The blog is still a year behind writing in the present. I’ll continue the story where I left off a few weeks ago, as I fell asleep for my surgery.

December 2015

Pain. Hot pain. My abdomen was turning itself inside out and on fire.

I opened an eye, and saw a nurse next to my bed. My eye shuttered again as I regained consciousness. She held my hand and asked me what my pain level was. I hesitantly mumbled, “Eight.”

Look, I’m no stranger to pain. With triathlon, I had to push my body physically and mentally, which could become highly unpleasant. Athletes often refer to this as their “pain cave”. Injuries from overuse, running falls, and a bike wreck would also pop up over the years. I would rarely report my pain higher than a 4 or 5, and never higher than 6. Pain is relative, and it can always be worse.

My mom and Chad were let back to my bed shortly after I woke up. My eyes fluttered open in greeting, and remained open long enough to get a kiss from Chad. They each held my hands. The nurse administered more IV pain medication, then left us alone. Chad and my mom commented on my air blanket and took pictures, commenting that it looked like R2D2! The cool O2 being pumped into my nose felt so soft. I wished it would somehow make its way to my belly and cool the pulsing fire. The nurse asked about my pain again, and again I responded, “eight!”

The "R2D2 blanket" pumped warm air into the blanket to keep me warm without putting pressure on my abdomen. 

Chad keeping me company in recovery. 

The doctor came back to the recovery room, and I opened my eyes again for a few moments. He asked how I was feeling. Still an 8, and could I get something for that. The nurse confirms that I was maxed out on pain meds. He quickly made the decision to admit me to the hospital overnight for pain management.

From here, my memories are few and cloudy for a little while. I remember being wheeled upstairs, and each bump of the bed’s wheels pouring gasoline on the fire in my belly and lady parts. I know they moved me from one bed to another, but how I got there is beyond me.

The next thing I remember is being made to sit up by a nurse and Chad. White hot pain. I opened my eyes, and this time they stayed open, although without contacts and glasses my world was watery. I was told that I needed to pee, to see if it would help with the pain. I was half carried half dragged to the bathroom and they gingerly placed me on the toilet. Giant disposable mesh panties appeared at my ankles. They asked me if I could pee. I laughed (I laugh when I’m in pain!) and hung my head.

Chad and the nurse moved me back to the bed. She said that since I couldn't pee, they were going to have to put in a catheter. This sounded like an okay idea to me. A quick little temporary cath and I’d pee and then be great. I wasn't aware of what exactly they had planned.  

The nurse came back with her nurse friend. Chad appeared very close to my face and I thought he was trying to hug me. The next thing I knew, it felt like they were trying to drive a nail into my lady bits. I screamed. And screamed. And screamed. White hot searing pain. My face was drenched with my tears and sweat. With Chad’s face so close to mine, I could see that he too was crying. He later told me that it took the nurses two attempts to place the Foley catheter.

Once they were done, I immediately felt relief. Within 5 minutes, the catheter collected nearly a liter of urine. My pain settled at a manageable and steady 5.

I did not sleep at all that night. My abdomen was still pretty painful. I didn’t want it to be touched by anything (even sheets), and yet I was so cold. Chad and my mom managed to arrange the blankets so that there was no pressure on my abdomen, but the rest of me was covered and warm.

No touchie the belly!

The following morning, the doctor and his fellow game by and did an ultrasound to make sure that there were no complications from the surgery that were attributing to my pain. The ultrasound showed that everything was good. Since my pain was finally being managed with medication, I was told that I could go home if I could get out of bed and to the chair under my own power. He said that he would be back in a few minutes to check on me.

As an athlete, I respond well to goals. I wanted to go home!! Gingerly, I made my way to the chair. When doctor’s fellow returned to check on me. I was ready to go home.

When we got home, my mom stayed with me for a few hours while Chad left and went to the HRTC’s (triathlon club) Christmas party.

The next few days were a blur.

After a day or so, I was tired of being home, so Chad took me to the movie theater to see the Star Wars: The Force Awakens. It did not awaken me much. I slept through much of the movie due to the pain meds, but I was still grateful to be out of the house.

The following morning, Chad packed a few bags for us and, along with our dog Duke, we drove down to my parent's house in Sugar Land for the Christmas holidays. I slept in a recliner in the kitchen for much of the holiday.

Duke kept a watchful eye over his mummy.